The journal

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As I wrote in my journal today; I asked why? Why do I journal? My journal is everything to me, it’s my life on paper; my every thought, desire, light bulb moments, goals,…………  I’m in too deep……but I keep going back for more; save me!  I really think that I am being truthful when I say I am emotionally devoted to getting my story out to the world that deeply hides the very same secrets, desires, and experiences in life. I have always known I was supposed to write a book; what type of book…….never really knew.  It’s becoming very clear to me today that I have been led down a path of deliverance that has brought healing through such writing. I may not even have a thought when I start, but I start even if it’s with what I had for breakfast; then it just rolls off the fingers.

I don’t know even where to start on getting a book published, so that’s one of the excuses of why I never did it. I have found so much happiness in life and who I am through these writings; who knows, maybe this is really my “purpose” in this world. I’ll never know if I don’t try, right? I always thought it was to interpret for my deaf mother, or help my grandma think through things and be the only one who seemed to care about her, to be at the beck and call of some man, to mother my three children…………….Wait, what about me?

Ohhh that sounded selfish! I can’t do that, it’s not right to think about me when I still have so much to do for everyone else. I can no longer interpret for my mother, she’s no longer with me; but hearing all the beautiful sounds of heaven. I am no longer “needed” to take care of granny because she now lives with my uncle, and she has “forgotten” so much that there are days that no one else exists in her life but him. I am no longer being at some man’s beck and call because I’m not with a person that requires that of me any longer. I will always be a mother, and that job really never ends just the job duties as they age.

All the stuff I have to do: really is only Motherhood, and it doesn’t require my every moment; though it sometimes feels like it. How I can be the best for everyone else if I can’t be the best me. I can’t be the best me if I’m depressed, fatigued, and so busy doing ……..and if I’m not the best me how can I be the best at what I do. I do desire being the best in every area of my life. No I’m not a perfectionist, and I realize that I cannot be the best at everything. I have desires that I want to fulfill.  Why shouldn’t I be able to do it; it is my life, isn’t it? Why have I been brought up in this world to think that living by giving to everyone and not taking myself into consideration is the way to “leave my legacy”? Who taught me that? Was such teaching by example; now that I write it down……….it was. The very people who taught me that are/were unhappy, alone, no one comes to see them, gave everything and have nothing, lost a sense of reality…….why would I want to end up that way.

Why? No! I refuse to end up that way………life is too short! I have some more changes to make……..it seems to never stop. It’s autumn now……….another season in my life; I really like it today because its full of vibrant rich colors! I am happy! Without my journal I don’t think I would ever figure a lot of my life out the way that I have. I have found freedom in my writing even though no one may read it, but they do read it. I have got many emails from people stating they feel the very same way, and I have been thanked for showing such subjects in another light. There is a reason for it all…………and I am full of emotions right now about the exciting new seasons coming my way.

Can’t wait to share it with you! I’ve always wondered why I would lay awake at night running so many thoughts through my head; it was “time to journal”. There is a time for many things in life; cry, laugh, dance, ……..it’s best said: Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

1For everything there is a season,

a time for every activity under heaven.

2A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

3A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

4A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

6A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

7A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

8A time to love and a time to hate.

A time for war and a time for peace.

………………..and now my journal has helped me realize there is a “time for me”! Enjoy Life!

 

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The Father figure………

 

Cover of The Last Song

 

is what most of us would call “Daddy”. First though, I must say that I have been four days thinking about this blog and just couldn’t get it written due to distractions, fear, and really ignoring the pain of it all. I was scared that I might find the wound to be more than the scar it had become. This all started by watching one of the best movies so far this year: “The Last Song“! Amazing! I know, I was skeptical too because it had Miley Cyrus in it, but it was shocking, tender, and humorous all in the same scene so many times. I definitely recommend it. This movie touched a open wound in me, a wound that I really have looked at several times throughout my life; but never tried to completely heal.  It’s like I sprayed “new skin” over the wound to cover it up, but never let it heal properly from the inside out.

This wound is called my biological father, a male figure that had a part in giving me life but had denied his part in it for many years. In short, my mom & this man were married for approximately six months. In that time frame, I was conceived. I never knew this man, and only met him at the age of 12 due to an urgent need to find out family history for an illness I had. So for the first 12 years of life, my family consisted of my mother and maternal grandparents. There was a picture of their wedding day that hung high above the staircase……though my mother had always wished it to be taken down. My grandmother always insisted that I know as much about my father as possible. All I knew is what he looked like, and their side of the stories.

I’m not sure when this wound truly came to be an actual wound, but I do know it has been festering up with a infection from the very pit of me for a very long time. I’ve always had a way to quick treat it with excuses, denial, forgiveness, and other men in my life. That statement alone could be a blog all by itself for another time. The quick treatments worked for awhile, but the subject kept being brought to my attention. Then one summer, summer of 2008, I realized that this very man was the beginning of my conception of men at a very early age and who I was going to be in life. A worthless accident!

Men are not to stick around, they don’t love their wives until death do us part, they are cheaters, they abuse, they don’t care about anything but themselves, they are to be given what they ask whenever they ask it, they are to be idolized, they are to be the boss of everything, you have no say, you don’t count, you are not worth them staying around for, you are not a princess, and there is no prince coming to sweep you off your feet. Your very father didn’t stay around to even see you, why in the world would any other man want you. You are worthless!

See it didn’t matter really what the stories I was told about him were; the only message I got was I wasn’t worth it! I didn’t care that they got divorced, but I did care to have that “Daddy” that so many girls look up to. I did care to have a man acknowledge that I was pretty and their princess; as all girls truly desire. I wanted to be wanted! Don’t we all?

I had a man that tried to take that place, and that was man was my grandpa. He did the best that he could, but no one can really fill that void of an abandoned father. He did do all those things that a “daddy” would do, but he wasn’t my dad and I knew it. I’m grateful to have had my grandpa so close to me, and to try and step in that place that I think he; himself felt he had failed with his own children. RIP, Grandpa Emerson……you were a man that taught me great things, and most of all loved me through it all!

At the age of 12, I met my father for the first time. I grew angry to find that he only lived about 30 minutes from me the entire time. You see, it’s a small world that I was born in because both of my parents are deaf. Deaf communities are very tight and closely knit……..so how was it I never was faced with this meeting much sooner; I don’t know. I was excited, but had a soreness about it all. I met his parents and my half brother soon after that.  I had a whole other family…….I thought for sure now that he could see I looked just like him; we would begin to build this late relationship. This relationship never got built. We seen each other a few times over the next couple of years, but no “daddy” was ever established. I have several times as an adult faced my father trying to get some type of “approval”, but always finding out in the end: I’m not worth it!

I ended up in life trying to have every man unconsciously fill those shoes; so in the end every relationship with men has failed. I had failed as a person, I was an accident and that is why I was abandoned and abused. WRONG!

I made one final attempt that summer of ’08 to mend the heart of a girl whom never grew out of the need for “daddy”……..only to find I have the most wonderful Father of all! He has always been there with me through every tear, laugh, test, boyfriend, car wreck, etc. I got to free my conscience of needing to please my biological father, to gain his approval, to be his princess, to be what he wanted me to be, and to have his unconditional love. My true “Daddy” blows all daddies away………..no matter what I do, He loves me and only asks that I love Him back.  Love in exchange is the only condition in this relationship. I have through my life treated Him just as I felt I had be treated…………I’ve abandoned Him, cussed Him, used Him, lied to Him, abused Him, think of Him only when I gain from it, etc. He forgives me and loves me like the Queen of all the court. Thank you Daddy for being there even though I didn’t know it, ignored it, or denied it. Thank you for allowing the wound to fester up and come to a head, so I could figure out what was Truth, Life, and Love!

So after the movie, I looked in the mirror and cried due to the sadness of it all; but you see that is not what this very movie is even about; I won’t tell the story so it’s not ruined for others. The movie only reminded me of that very open wound that I had for so long…..it reminded me of a time when I had to please men; however, whenever, wherever, so that I could prove to myself that I was worthy! I’m sad because how many girls are living life today “without a daddy”……….but are truly a beautiful Princess that they have disguised through the actions and words of the “not real” men in their lives to be true.

If you believe you’re not a princess……..you are very wrong! You were made in His image, so you are of the Royal Court; and you are loved like no one else! You are His most prize possession. He will not push the relationship on you, but gladly runs to you only if you desire Him……..He’s right there, now. You didn’t read this post by accident; accidents don’t happen…….I thought I was one; I am not and neither are you! You are worth it, you are everything, you are beautiful, and you have a Daddy! Free your conscience of the guilt, anger, and lies so you can love like you have never loved before! It so fun to live life and love everyone with no conditions!

My Father figure is a heavenly man that only some have heard of through stories……….He is the Ultimate Daddy; and I share!

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Overloaded………..

………..with ideas to write about today, but haven’t decided on anything yet. I thought I would just start typing and see where the heart leads. Ok, subjects could include an obediant wife, a step-parents views, a hotel stay, a public family secret, disorders and diseases, uhhhmmmm there is so many but what is prevelant for today? I must say my eyes have been opened a little more today by one little phone call. See, God puts people in your path just for the very moment that you need it. I didn’t realize I needed anything but a job; and then I get the phone call. This very phone call could enhance, destroy, save, enlighten, give strength or just improve a wonderful marriage and unity of the souls.

Step-parenting; I can’t say I know anything about it as I have never been one. So why would I write about such a topic…..because I’m married to one, and have relations that are one, etc. Where do they actually fit into the picture, and when do they actually get the recognition that they deserve. Are they just a piece of the puzzle to always get played or the piece left put up and never seen. They are not in the deciding factor in the final decisions of things nomatter if they are the caregiver, insurance payor, the house supplier, the meal maker, the taxi driver, and the money giver.

Are my eyes really open to the possibility that “the” step-parent can see right thru the games that might be played; manipulation, lying, butterup, deception, sneakiness? I am not just talking about my personal family but even the ones that might very well be reading this. Does it really matter for the sp to say anything at all about a subject, when the actual parent always is blinded, gives in, and thinks its all ok? Why even ask them if we’re only going to make the final choice in the matter and it be our opinion that is the solution.

I am forever not agreeing with my husband on the rules, discipline, etc for my daughter that lives with us….because I’ve already lost one daughter back to her dad. That’s my thought; I didn’t lose her nor did my husband have anything to do with that move. I have to blame somebody though, right? It can’t be my fault…….of course, it could be that there was a teenager that thought grass was greener on the other side as well. It’s possible it was just all part of the game……..and then it could be that well; I can’t go into the depths of someone else’s choices. Ok no blaming anyone here, just a realization moment for me…………this about me realizing that my husband really is pushed back. If some life or death situation was to happen to the kids; the sp wouldn’t be calling any final shots in the norm. As an wife that is very much in love with my  husband; I really could’ve pushed him away by not sitting down and finding out the very reason each of us feel the way we do about such decisions that need to be made. Can we agree to take the time to listen to the logic then proclaim the answer with love?

He doesn’t know I have even been enlightened today, about his position in our family. I don’t want him left out, and I don’t want to push him out eventually either. I also don’t want him to punish incorrectly; uhhmmm let’s see I guess I’m the judge and I know exactly the perfect punishment is for every situation. NOPE! I really need to listen; I guess sometimes his anger overrides my thinking that he can make a “loving, impactful action/decision”. He can’t do it right cuz he’s mad, He can’t do it right cuz he’s not been a parent as long, He can’t ………do anything if I don’t let him share in all these experiences that parents/a marriage should share. Part of that is making mistakes, and standing by each other thru it all. My gosh, what have I done? I understand why he says “what’s the point” now………..I know duh, right? Light-bulb should have went off then; but it didn’t. Is it possible this is why so many marriages that include step kids don’t work?

I know usually when there is step kids there is sometimes a missing biological parent missing from the whole picture do to drugs, alcohol, absenteeism, etc………..but I’m talking about where all parents are involved including step-parents on each side. Kids know right from wrong, and how to get their way; am I missing it by wearing rose colored glasses? I don’t want to be too hard, and I don’t want them to be unhappy cuz they might just leave…………well EYES OPENED along with HEART! I am not playing anymore, my marriage has to last a lifetime; I am partners with my man by God’s Grace. I will have this very talk with him this evening; and apologize to him and the world! I have been controlling, unsupportive, and most of all not the spouse anybody would want to step-parent with. It falls down to fear……….I feared something, so I tried to control it myself. I no longer fear………….if they happen to want to leave; grass may be greener, but if its not then that was their decision. Old enough to make choices then old enough to enjoy the consequences. Let’s Enjoy Life ………….Overloaded!

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Where are we going?

My baby girl decides she wants to move to her dads. Of course, her sister and dad are there. She has a good step mom and additional siblings as well. I’m crushed, but I have a plan. The ol‘ man can get a job transfer to Springfield, then we would be a lot closer to them both. I could actually drive down and see them even for a couple hours. We want to be in the country anyway, especially now that we have this wild preschool boy. I do miss the peace that is found when the wind blows thru your hair in the country; without the smog making it greasy. Perfect plan, right.

My hubby is a wanted man I guess and work doesn’t want him to go anywhere. We believe there might even be some behind the scenes talk going on to keep him from being able to transfer. I don’t have good things to say about this, but I will look at it this way. I’m glad he is an asset; maybe he won’t be another one looking at a layoff.

Of course, we thought about him getting another job down there if the transfer doesn’t happen. We can’t do that though because of Koda’s condition. We have to keep the insurance that we have for as long as possible, so there is no precondition exemptions. Thank God he likes his job, huh? I’ve made emotional decisions before and they always seem to bite me later. I will hate it if we don’t get to go, but at the same time; I don’t want to go if something bad will happen after getting there. I want to move to be closer to the girls and fulfill my desires for nature.

We’ll see, the bosses are meeting in Springfield the end of this month. They are supposed to discuss this transfer then. I just have a problem with patience. I want to be doing something now because we are staying with family. I want to know where we are going, so we can look for a place to live. If we stay here, I’m a little overwhelmed with where we should live. We need to think of Koda’s education as he will be starting preschool this year, and on to Kindergarten next. We are thinking we need to move across state lines as there are more options that meet our budget as far as housing.

So until something breaks, I don’t know where we are going.

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