The journal

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As I wrote in my journal today; I asked why? Why do I journal? My journal is everything to me, it’s my life on paper; my every thought, desire, light bulb moments, goals,…………  I’m in too deep……but I keep going back for more; save me!  I really think that I am being truthful when I say I am emotionally devoted to getting my story out to the world that deeply hides the very same secrets, desires, and experiences in life. I have always known I was supposed to write a book; what type of book…….never really knew.  It’s becoming very clear to me today that I have been led down a path of deliverance that has brought healing through such writing. I may not even have a thought when I start, but I start even if it’s with what I had for breakfast; then it just rolls off the fingers.

I don’t know even where to start on getting a book published, so that’s one of the excuses of why I never did it. I have found so much happiness in life and who I am through these writings; who knows, maybe this is really my “purpose” in this world. I’ll never know if I don’t try, right? I always thought it was to interpret for my deaf mother, or help my grandma think through things and be the only one who seemed to care about her, to be at the beck and call of some man, to mother my three children…………….Wait, what about me?

Ohhh that sounded selfish! I can’t do that, it’s not right to think about me when I still have so much to do for everyone else. I can no longer interpret for my mother, she’s no longer with me; but hearing all the beautiful sounds of heaven. I am no longer “needed” to take care of granny because she now lives with my uncle, and she has “forgotten” so much that there are days that no one else exists in her life but him. I am no longer being at some man’s beck and call because I’m not with a person that requires that of me any longer. I will always be a mother, and that job really never ends just the job duties as they age.

All the stuff I have to do: really is only Motherhood, and it doesn’t require my every moment; though it sometimes feels like it. How I can be the best for everyone else if I can’t be the best me. I can’t be the best me if I’m depressed, fatigued, and so busy doing ……..and if I’m not the best me how can I be the best at what I do. I do desire being the best in every area of my life. No I’m not a perfectionist, and I realize that I cannot be the best at everything. I have desires that I want to fulfill.  Why shouldn’t I be able to do it; it is my life, isn’t it? Why have I been brought up in this world to think that living by giving to everyone and not taking myself into consideration is the way to “leave my legacy”? Who taught me that? Was such teaching by example; now that I write it down……….it was. The very people who taught me that are/were unhappy, alone, no one comes to see them, gave everything and have nothing, lost a sense of reality…….why would I want to end up that way.

Why? No! I refuse to end up that way………life is too short! I have some more changes to make……..it seems to never stop. It’s autumn now……….another season in my life; I really like it today because its full of vibrant rich colors! I am happy! Without my journal I don’t think I would ever figure a lot of my life out the way that I have. I have found freedom in my writing even though no one may read it, but they do read it. I have got many emails from people stating they feel the very same way, and I have been thanked for showing such subjects in another light. There is a reason for it all…………and I am full of emotions right now about the exciting new seasons coming my way.

Can’t wait to share it with you! I’ve always wondered why I would lay awake at night running so many thoughts through my head; it was “time to journal”. There is a time for many things in life; cry, laugh, dance, ……..it’s best said: Ecclesiastes 3

A Time for Everything

1For everything there is a season,

a time for every activity under heaven.

2A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

3A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

4A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

6A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

7A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

8A time to love and a time to hate.

A time for war and a time for peace.

………………..and now my journal has helped me realize there is a “time for me”! Enjoy Life!

 

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The Father figure………

 

Cover of The Last Song

 

is what most of us would call “Daddy”. First though, I must say that I have been four days thinking about this blog and just couldn’t get it written due to distractions, fear, and really ignoring the pain of it all. I was scared that I might find the wound to be more than the scar it had become. This all started by watching one of the best movies so far this year: “The Last Song“! Amazing! I know, I was skeptical too because it had Miley Cyrus in it, but it was shocking, tender, and humorous all in the same scene so many times. I definitely recommend it. This movie touched a open wound in me, a wound that I really have looked at several times throughout my life; but never tried to completely heal.  It’s like I sprayed “new skin” over the wound to cover it up, but never let it heal properly from the inside out.

This wound is called my biological father, a male figure that had a part in giving me life but had denied his part in it for many years. In short, my mom & this man were married for approximately six months. In that time frame, I was conceived. I never knew this man, and only met him at the age of 12 due to an urgent need to find out family history for an illness I had. So for the first 12 years of life, my family consisted of my mother and maternal grandparents. There was a picture of their wedding day that hung high above the staircase……though my mother had always wished it to be taken down. My grandmother always insisted that I know as much about my father as possible. All I knew is what he looked like, and their side of the stories.

I’m not sure when this wound truly came to be an actual wound, but I do know it has been festering up with a infection from the very pit of me for a very long time. I’ve always had a way to quick treat it with excuses, denial, forgiveness, and other men in my life. That statement alone could be a blog all by itself for another time. The quick treatments worked for awhile, but the subject kept being brought to my attention. Then one summer, summer of 2008, I realized that this very man was the beginning of my conception of men at a very early age and who I was going to be in life. A worthless accident!

Men are not to stick around, they don’t love their wives until death do us part, they are cheaters, they abuse, they don’t care about anything but themselves, they are to be given what they ask whenever they ask it, they are to be idolized, they are to be the boss of everything, you have no say, you don’t count, you are not worth them staying around for, you are not a princess, and there is no prince coming to sweep you off your feet. Your very father didn’t stay around to even see you, why in the world would any other man want you. You are worthless!

See it didn’t matter really what the stories I was told about him were; the only message I got was I wasn’t worth it! I didn’t care that they got divorced, but I did care to have that “Daddy” that so many girls look up to. I did care to have a man acknowledge that I was pretty and their princess; as all girls truly desire. I wanted to be wanted! Don’t we all?

I had a man that tried to take that place, and that was man was my grandpa. He did the best that he could, but no one can really fill that void of an abandoned father. He did do all those things that a “daddy” would do, but he wasn’t my dad and I knew it. I’m grateful to have had my grandpa so close to me, and to try and step in that place that I think he; himself felt he had failed with his own children. RIP, Grandpa Emerson……you were a man that taught me great things, and most of all loved me through it all!

At the age of 12, I met my father for the first time. I grew angry to find that he only lived about 30 minutes from me the entire time. You see, it’s a small world that I was born in because both of my parents are deaf. Deaf communities are very tight and closely knit……..so how was it I never was faced with this meeting much sooner; I don’t know. I was excited, but had a soreness about it all. I met his parents and my half brother soon after that.  I had a whole other family…….I thought for sure now that he could see I looked just like him; we would begin to build this late relationship. This relationship never got built. We seen each other a few times over the next couple of years, but no “daddy” was ever established. I have several times as an adult faced my father trying to get some type of “approval”, but always finding out in the end: I’m not worth it!

I ended up in life trying to have every man unconsciously fill those shoes; so in the end every relationship with men has failed. I had failed as a person, I was an accident and that is why I was abandoned and abused. WRONG!

I made one final attempt that summer of ’08 to mend the heart of a girl whom never grew out of the need for “daddy”……..only to find I have the most wonderful Father of all! He has always been there with me through every tear, laugh, test, boyfriend, car wreck, etc. I got to free my conscience of needing to please my biological father, to gain his approval, to be his princess, to be what he wanted me to be, and to have his unconditional love. My true “Daddy” blows all daddies away………..no matter what I do, He loves me and only asks that I love Him back.  Love in exchange is the only condition in this relationship. I have through my life treated Him just as I felt I had be treated…………I’ve abandoned Him, cussed Him, used Him, lied to Him, abused Him, think of Him only when I gain from it, etc. He forgives me and loves me like the Queen of all the court. Thank you Daddy for being there even though I didn’t know it, ignored it, or denied it. Thank you for allowing the wound to fester up and come to a head, so I could figure out what was Truth, Life, and Love!

So after the movie, I looked in the mirror and cried due to the sadness of it all; but you see that is not what this very movie is even about; I won’t tell the story so it’s not ruined for others. The movie only reminded me of that very open wound that I had for so long…..it reminded me of a time when I had to please men; however, whenever, wherever, so that I could prove to myself that I was worthy! I’m sad because how many girls are living life today “without a daddy”……….but are truly a beautiful Princess that they have disguised through the actions and words of the “not real” men in their lives to be true.

If you believe you’re not a princess……..you are very wrong! You were made in His image, so you are of the Royal Court; and you are loved like no one else! You are His most prize possession. He will not push the relationship on you, but gladly runs to you only if you desire Him……..He’s right there, now. You didn’t read this post by accident; accidents don’t happen…….I thought I was one; I am not and neither are you! You are worth it, you are everything, you are beautiful, and you have a Daddy! Free your conscience of the guilt, anger, and lies so you can love like you have never loved before! It so fun to live life and love everyone with no conditions!

My Father figure is a heavenly man that only some have heard of through stories……….He is the Ultimate Daddy; and I share!

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Different outlook on life…………

…………after having a child w/ Cerebral Palsy and another with NF, ADHD, RLS, and PLMD. I also believe in Karma, I thought people stating kids/adults w/ all these alphabet diseases were in some type of hypochondriac disorder themselves. Then, I was faced w/ our precious Koda………..the flying monkey, bull in a china closet, can not sit down or still for “one” moment, chaos. 🙂 I can smile about it now, but I was rather slapped in the face that these “Alphabet diseases” are real; well real in the sense that the medical world has given a name for such behaviors. Such disorders are not fun, they take work & strong interpersonal skills to deal with such an active body. You don’t really get it, becuz that’s not how you are……….

I was once told by another w/ ADD that the brain is like walking into a electronics department w/ all the TV’s (you know like 100 tv’s on in one place) being on different channels……and you want to be involved & look at all of them; you like all of them; my mind blows trying to have two conversations let alone trying to think about, be involved in, and liking each and every one of those “actions” going on.

I’ve also been told, he’s a boy……..he’s supposed to be rowdy, running, etc. Yep, he sure is; but not to the point he hurts himself & others w/o any comprehension of doing such. When he jumps on every chair in the lobby and no discipline, attention, direction works; becuz he can only think about all those things in his head at once plus getting in trouble. Its like the he is the tv, and the remote is stuck on channel up/down back/forth constantly………and my words of direction are in there somewhere but he can’t stop on it long enough to think about the consequences let alone care. I saw the results of his brain activity……..well it’s the best and fastest ping pong game ever and never ending.

As I posted on Facebook though, I really have decided that Koda has a diagnoses of creative energy……its ok that the medical world wants to call it ADHD, so they can have a reason to prescribe drugs to make “themselves some $$ bonuses from the pharmaceutical companies”, and make our kids get to the point “the world calls normal behavior”.

Its all ok, but really every bad can be used for good! I believe things happen for a reason! I’m not saying that medication, docs, pharmacies, etc are not needed; they are needed and they have their place.

Koda is medicated for his creative energy, but not w/ stimulants like most that “alter the behaviors, spirit, natural given personality of a child”.

If everyone sits down & is always quite………….what a boring world this would be. I know these types of people can drive others crazy; but it’s ok! Its ok to be different, and “not normal”……..who decides that anyway? Who would run the marathons for fundraising efforts such as NF, Cancer, etc.  or happen to be in the right place to save someones life……..without such energy. We need people who are multi-thinkers on a dime, so decisions can be made at the last minute: for example, we need to save our country? I’m not making excuses or cover-ups to make myself feel better about having a child with such issues……but I am standing up for the spirit, personality, and/or natural nature of who we are inside & most of the purpose of what we are to become.

I never heard of public school homeschooling………..or virtual public school, well I knew that to get Koda out of “the troubled child” stage at school we had to do something or his spirit would be weakened if not totally crushed by no, stop, that’s not right, wrong, sit down (when he can’t), because he would be considered different, slow, special ed…….it’s all ok, becuz we decided to home school him this year. I couldn’t afford at the time to do a Christian based home schooling due to all the costs of supplies, etc. Plus with him being in a brick & mortar preschool last year; they did set up an IEP (Individual Education Plan); so he will continue to get services (therapy, etc), thru the school district.

We are one week in, and I am smiling at the progress……..I am enjoying my child! I was concerned w/ the social skills he would need; but there are a great group of leaders, seasoned moms, etc….and even new ones; ready to get our kids together often to play. Matters of fact, we have our 2nd group play date tomorrow……..he has looked forward to it all week & worked hard! I have more energy……wow it takes a lot to get a long drawn out boring story to be interesting to a boy that could care less; but we act out our books…….pics will be posted soon. Truly enjoying my relationship as his learning coach, and allowing him to be just what he is supposed to be………….FULL of LIFE!

A different outlook on life………….You have a purpose ……I’m positive it’s all ok, and different is good!

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About to die………..

……….does anyone notice? You know we all have our issues, and all we want is someone to be there for us. Someone who really cares about us, and wants the best for us. We go about our days busy as can be, running errands, cleaning house, doing dishes, going to work, waiting in traffic, and then get cut off from another driver or the bill collector calls; do they not understand today is the day that “you fill in the blank” happened. My kid just got diagnosed with cancer, my loved one died, I lost my job, I have no groceries, my spouse just cheated on me, I live in a tent in the woods, My dad just hit me, I’m going thru a divorce, and on and on and on. Does anyone notice?????

Compassion for our neighbors, family, friends, and the stranger that you just cut off, ignored, laughed at, or just didn’t pray for today because we’re too caught up in our own issues. Everybody has them, and none of us are exempt from them. How we choose to deal with it though is the difference. I often can get caught up in my own issues and wonder “don’t you understand my son may not make it thru his teenage years; there’s no cure or treatment for NF”. “Don’t you understand, we don’t have any food in the fridge and I had to go to the food pantry for the first time in my life; I need a job”…………all of this only to strengthen me for what is about to come. I have been granted and allowed to be in this very family to build my faith, strength, courage and most of all love for others. I have endured and will be challenged with more; as God see’s fit. A reward, compliment, promotion, or whatever you want to call it; but God must think I’m “able and good enough” to take it on.

I don’t like it sometimes. It’s much easier to crawl back under the covers and not face any of it. Its easy being depressed; I can excuse it, not worry about it, throw it off to the side; but then it drains all of my energy to be depressed; now it’s too hard. I just want to be happy! Ok, I have a choice; it’s not everyone else’s job to make me happy. I need to find my happiness in another form than from the people in my life……..where do you find yours? Most people really are selfish, and only care about their own lives…….really!

My eyes were opened when I saw the tent in the woods; on a sub zero degree day. A man  (I’m going to call Jesus) only in a fleece jacket walks from a McDonald’s dumpster across the street thru the field and into the balding trees to his now called home. A tent. How long has he had to live there? Is he warm enough? How many are there with him? How did he get to this place in his life? When’s the last time he got to take a bath?What else might be wrong? Does he need a doctor? Is he starving? So many questions in the blink of my eye while I ride in my warm van that I gripe about needing to get rid of  on the way back to my warm house with running water, etc. But see, Jesus was thankful; he had shelter, food, and clothing.

Does he not have any friends or family? Then I thought; if I got to a place where I didn’t have a home, would I ask someone? Would I really be able to tell them? No, really would you be able? Its not a question of pride as much as it is; are there people that really care enough not to care to help take care of you until you can do it on your own again? People don’t want to be bothered, or their finances tightened to really help out. Thoughts to ponder……..when you think you’re about to die in your circumstance…………..

Ok God, what is my purpose; and why did I see this picture?  That’s between me and God and I do not need to share; but I ask you……..when you think you are about to die in your situation; just look and behold another life; and be thankful, giving, and most of all in prayer that you can help someone out of that place that they are in or add to what they have/need. Why are we so busy that we just pass everyone by? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

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It’s really funny…………

………..how I continue to entertain myself by not knowing anything at all to write about when I come here to let my heart out. I sincerely go thru a thought process while typing and laughing at myself; “you don’t have a subject even in mind, what the heck are you doing.” “ohhh just shut it off and come back when you think of something worth wild to even talk about.”

Well by the time I get to this area of writing I have usually figured out or my fingers just go on with whatever is going to come out, but not today I am at a duh??? moment; did going blonde really set me back this much. Did it really pull out any sense that was rolling around up there? Blonde, funny isn’t it? I’m stuck!

I guess I’m still overloaded from the last posting……..too many prayers that need to be said, too much research that needs to be done, the laundry isn’t finished, the dishes still need to be done, dinner still needs to be partially prepared, but this is my only quite time when no one is here, the clothes still need to be put away from off the couch, I need to raise more money for a cure, we need to find a doctor that knows what the heck is going on, I need answers, I need to feel better, the bathroom needs cleaned, I need to go visit Grandma Lola, I need to get our business tax stuff done for Missouri, I need to work on the next NF event stuff, I still need to email stuff, I need to go get my drivers license changed, I need to take Holly to get her license, I need to go make my bed, I need to clean out the van and wash it, I need to deep clean Koda’s room, I need to talk to the bill collectors that keep calling and work out a plan, I need to do some Christmas shopping, I need to get a job so I can buy Christmas, I need to just do everything right now cuz I have put it all off long enough…..

…..wow where did all that come from? Busy? Apparently I need to be doing stuff instead of thinking about what I need to do. Been there?…………..lets not forget to stop, breathe, read, and have a moment in all the busi-ness of our lives and thank and reflect on God! Don’t forget your family and yourself. You can’t do all the above if you don’t take 3 very important parts of life to heart: God, Family, and yourself (and I don’t mean selfishness/pride). So today I’m going to just enjoy the day doing what I can get accomplished. It’s really funny……………………. being Blonde!

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Overloaded………..

………..with ideas to write about today, but haven’t decided on anything yet. I thought I would just start typing and see where the heart leads. Ok, subjects could include an obediant wife, a step-parents views, a hotel stay, a public family secret, disorders and diseases, uhhhmmmm there is so many but what is prevelant for today? I must say my eyes have been opened a little more today by one little phone call. See, God puts people in your path just for the very moment that you need it. I didn’t realize I needed anything but a job; and then I get the phone call. This very phone call could enhance, destroy, save, enlighten, give strength or just improve a wonderful marriage and unity of the souls.

Step-parenting; I can’t say I know anything about it as I have never been one. So why would I write about such a topic…..because I’m married to one, and have relations that are one, etc. Where do they actually fit into the picture, and when do they actually get the recognition that they deserve. Are they just a piece of the puzzle to always get played or the piece left put up and never seen. They are not in the deciding factor in the final decisions of things nomatter if they are the caregiver, insurance payor, the house supplier, the meal maker, the taxi driver, and the money giver.

Are my eyes really open to the possibility that “the” step-parent can see right thru the games that might be played; manipulation, lying, butterup, deception, sneakiness? I am not just talking about my personal family but even the ones that might very well be reading this. Does it really matter for the sp to say anything at all about a subject, when the actual parent always is blinded, gives in, and thinks its all ok? Why even ask them if we’re only going to make the final choice in the matter and it be our opinion that is the solution.

I am forever not agreeing with my husband on the rules, discipline, etc for my daughter that lives with us….because I’ve already lost one daughter back to her dad. That’s my thought; I didn’t lose her nor did my husband have anything to do with that move. I have to blame somebody though, right? It can’t be my fault…….of course, it could be that there was a teenager that thought grass was greener on the other side as well. It’s possible it was just all part of the game……..and then it could be that well; I can’t go into the depths of someone else’s choices. Ok no blaming anyone here, just a realization moment for me…………this about me realizing that my husband really is pushed back. If some life or death situation was to happen to the kids; the sp wouldn’t be calling any final shots in the norm. As an wife that is very much in love with my  husband; I really could’ve pushed him away by not sitting down and finding out the very reason each of us feel the way we do about such decisions that need to be made. Can we agree to take the time to listen to the logic then proclaim the answer with love?

He doesn’t know I have even been enlightened today, about his position in our family. I don’t want him left out, and I don’t want to push him out eventually either. I also don’t want him to punish incorrectly; uhhmmm let’s see I guess I’m the judge and I know exactly the perfect punishment is for every situation. NOPE! I really need to listen; I guess sometimes his anger overrides my thinking that he can make a “loving, impactful action/decision”. He can’t do it right cuz he’s mad, He can’t do it right cuz he’s not been a parent as long, He can’t ………do anything if I don’t let him share in all these experiences that parents/a marriage should share. Part of that is making mistakes, and standing by each other thru it all. My gosh, what have I done? I understand why he says “what’s the point” now………..I know duh, right? Light-bulb should have went off then; but it didn’t. Is it possible this is why so many marriages that include step kids don’t work?

I know usually when there is step kids there is sometimes a missing biological parent missing from the whole picture do to drugs, alcohol, absenteeism, etc………..but I’m talking about where all parents are involved including step-parents on each side. Kids know right from wrong, and how to get their way; am I missing it by wearing rose colored glasses? I don’t want to be too hard, and I don’t want them to be unhappy cuz they might just leave…………well EYES OPENED along with HEART! I am not playing anymore, my marriage has to last a lifetime; I am partners with my man by God’s Grace. I will have this very talk with him this evening; and apologize to him and the world! I have been controlling, unsupportive, and most of all not the spouse anybody would want to step-parent with. It falls down to fear……….I feared something, so I tried to control it myself. I no longer fear………….if they happen to want to leave; grass may be greener, but if its not then that was their decision. Old enough to make choices then old enough to enjoy the consequences. Let’s Enjoy Life ………….Overloaded!

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Not as planned…………..

due to an emergancy room visit last night w/ Koda to Children’s Mercy with the “Bark” of croup. I can’t type too much today due to the need to keep him calm. He is continuing to bark and the steam just isn’t cutting it. He does much better when it’s bitter cold. Too short and heavy to hang out in the freezer :o(. My focus is on him today, so everyone have a very happy and enjoyable Holiday weekend! ………….God wants me to sit and listen instead of talk! Hoping to share answers with everyone soon.

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Just in a moment………….

…..the story is published, and then gone before the eyes of readers the next day. http://www.shawneedispatch.com/news/2009/sep/02/raising-awareness-family-spreads-word-about-neurof/
…the microwave goes out, and Holly has to use the stove to heat something up, wow that’s a new experience. …..Koda gets a fever and sounds like the croup, then ohhh he’s fine but quite and still before the TV. …….that haunting voice telling me I need a cigarette and then it’s gone. …….that still small voice of God is talking to me and then I’m distracted by busyness and ignore it. …….then I realize that moments are only here for that moment; to be cherished and not taken for granted. The choices we make in those moments could be life or death, could be victory or defeat, could be happiness or sorrow, could be passed or failed, could be energy or fatigue, could be gain a pound or lose one, could be heaven or hell, could be accepted or rejected, could be freedom or slavery, could be bright or gloomy, or it could be just the moment God gave to you to take, live in, and find the passion of Him. How do you choose to use your moments?

I choose me for once! There has been a time in my life with a lot of moments where I have lost the moments in life trying to please everyone else, trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be, trying, trying, trying only to find out that even though those moments brought me to where I am today; they were wasted moments in the sense of accomplishing what should have been. I’m like everyone else, just going through this life, wandering around aimlessly trying to find my place and purpose. I got caught up in the the running of life as most know it. Everyone running everywhere to get somewhere to only either sit and wait for the next thing, or to hurry to get to the next place so they could get back home to start it all over again. What’s the point? Moments……..we only have so many with our families, friends, and acquaintences on this earth and I choose  not to waste mine anymore. So, I’m sharing my moments with whomever wants to listen.

I always use to say, wait a moment, in a moment, we will do it later, hold on, maybe tomorrow, can you wait, etc…….none of us have another moment to waste; take a moment to think about what is the most beneficial in your moment. Thinking sometimes can bring the best moments in life.

In this moment, I need to find a position in life that makes me some money to help my husband pay the bills necessary to live life on this earth as we know it. In this moment, I choose to enjoy watching cartoons with my son that isn’t feeling so well today, he loves my time. In this moment, I am needing to do a daily food intake log…….and I think I’ll build a new blog instead of hold it to myself; it just might help someone else. In this moment, I am so thankful for such an awesome husband that goes over and beyond all the time. In this moment, I am desiring to write a book……..what do I do with this moment? Look and see if I can find something that will help me fulfill that desire? Do you know how I would go about doing this? See, not a wasted moment now if someone actually responds to my question. I didn’t waste it as a thought. In this moment, I am sharing my life with yours. How you choose to use your moment in this………is for you to decide.

I spent many of my moments in the bed of depression. I really couldn’t get up, get out, or even see anyway out. I believe there is an evil one that likes to keep trying to tell me that I’m still there……..what’s the use, give up, just forget it, you can’t make a difference, people are just going to laugh at you, you will never be anything, you deserve this, nobody even likes you, your husband doesn’t even want to be around you, etc…..moments that I decide not to listen to anymore. I choose me! I choose life! I choose to be a positive influence in this life if nothing else to myself.

If I don’t get the word out about NF here in KC, is anyone else; well that’s not for me to decide, but I am using my moments. If I don’t then I may be helping shorten Koda’s moments; and I don’t want to be helping Death. If I don’t take a moment to share about Jesus, then I have wasted a moment that He gave me. That’s not very good accountability with time is it. My hope is in Him, and I have found these moments to be from Him; so I want to say that because of Him…………I have found life!

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In the Dew Drop………

It’s hard to find the serenity, peace, joy, and contentment in life when you have been so addicted to something. My life has be overshadowed with a fog of misinterpretation…….it really wasn’t me reflecting who I was; or at least no one could see the real person due to the first appearance judgment that we all seem to do. I worked so hard to please……..thinking they would all accept me for that; but in-fact many made themselves distant due to not being able to get past the fog….they couldn’t see the real heart; and apparently my addiction kept me from being the person I really was. The addiction definitely had me, controlled me, but I was still in there, behind the fog of it all. As I have blogged before about the smell………ohhhh the smell is extravagant now! Laundry is blissful, and how could anyone say that laundry was anything but just a dirty job; but ohhhh how it smells when its freshly done. I’m inhaling and thanking God for giving us the ability to smell such wonder. Ohhh of course there are those smells that I must say I can do without, but in all we have to take the good with the bad……..and the good so overwhelms the bad; or at least that’s my choice.

Choice, and I choose to see the little things that are not so apparent to most. Like the rainbow smear (but it could be like a flower in the picture above) in the small dew drop on a sliver of grass this morning……….that’s beauty, that only God could create in His true perfection of life. He created us to see it, but all of us seem to have some kind of fog that clogs the vision…….or takes up the time that we don’t even look; or do we even care. So selfish sometimes in this life we are; like me saying I need to have another fix…..my prior addiction tries to haunt me daily…….but no it’s not the owner of this temple any longer. My addiction is smoking cigarettes; but it’s even more dirty than it sounds. It consumes the mind all day long; or at least it tries. It pollutes the air in the house, and lungs of our kids and guests. It discolors the lips and fingers of a long survivor of the addiction. It distorts the breath of our loved ones when it’s time for affection……a kiss should never be dirty and disgusting to the senses; but it is! Ohh but we’re cool at first, then we’re apparently rich to afford them, then we’ve combined them with other addictions that go along with it such as coffee, alcohol, etc.

My vision is becoming clearer as each day of victory falls asleep…………I’m enjoying the senses, breathing like never before, seeing the beauty in everything, and smelling another load of laundry. It’s beautiful once the fog is gone; and hopefully everyone will see the beauty that God has placed within me to shine to everyone! May my life be only a blog right now, but a testimony to someone that is in need……………………. to see that little sliver of grass that holds the beauty of a rainbow/flower/or just the clearness of life, God promises!

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Enemy is at my door…………

……or at least the knowledge of what is going on is definitely from the dark side. I see it, and I count it all blessings because the stronger the fight; the more beautiful the outcome. Each area has started to be tested, marriage, kids, health, home, finances, family, and friendships.

Bring it on as my sister-in-law, Lori, would say; is not me inviting the bad to happen but to boost my faith in knowing that blessings are abound. I heard some of the most heart wrenching news today about someone attached to my heart……..and know that there is a reason; and God show me and guide me to the place that we need to be so that You can work your miracles. Whether it through me or someone else I do not care, but I give it to You; this is so much bigger than what I can endure, handle, or even think about. Of course, I want to fix it…….make it all better…….but that isn’t what needs to happen. Consequences must take place, and I’m on edge to see what happens.

Answered prayers about life sitsuations that cannot be discussed here, but just know that God does hear………..He even cares! Not in our timing, not at all…….but the 11th hour and 59 sec rule around here. The love is too strong and I won’t quit; so worthy of my time, attention, and love. No clue what my heart feels, but desires to see it. Guide me so that I can show it with grace. A mountain was melted infront of me today………His power is strong enough to show us in the midst of the pain.

How funny; went to a different church on Wednesday night; it was a question and answer session…….one of the subjects was about the mountains melting; verses in the bible……I guess I needed to hear that; and now 2 days later it makes sense. Always for a reason, and never by accident……..but I am strong becuz of my Lord!

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