A new tumor…

a brain glioma and the growth of a plexiform neurofibroma causes us to have a new journey through chemo. Koda’s status; sign his guestbook.

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His Meltdown and my insanity

I must be insane because I didn’t just totally beat him to a pulp; though the thought I must honestly share crossed my mind. I should have seen the red flags this morning as I knew before I walked out the door with him that the email said the sale was over by 9am, but in reality it was 9pm. So, that in itself was the reason I went. You know a 50% off everything when it’s already a clearance store is a “BARGAIN”. Well, the other red flag was I had just given him the beginning daily dose of meds that takes some time to work. But, see if I didn’t get there as early as possible; all the good stuff would be gone. A Bargain is just what I got after being in the store only 5 mins.

I saved more money today than ever besides the wasted gas altogether: A real bargain! I didn’t spank, and didn’t hurt him in any way. I did however make him get in the cart until I got him to the front of this totally every isle packed store; though everyone could hear him clear to the front as I was trying to make my way there. Jumping, jerking, pulling, kicking, pushing, yelling, crying, NO, NO, NO! I didn’t say a word, and then one lady asked how do you not break the temptation to slap him? Really, did you just ask me that? Apparently you have never had a child with any type of developmental or behavioral disorders (don’t all children without such problems throw such a fit once in a while?). Is this an excuse for him, NO, but there is a time and a place for such; and slapping isn’t it. If I were to have slapped him, we would have had a much more scene to write about; which would have included the security or cops.

What was best for him and myself, was more than just a time out in the vehicle this time. It was leave and go home. I put up the movies we had picked out for him; which made the meltdown worse. As soon as I got him out of the cart, (first time ever) he ran off to the back of the store (where the toys were located). I picked him up and carried him out; wow, he’s getting too big for that. Quite the fight I must say keeping ahold of him. As soon as I get him out the door, he falls to the ground with a complete fit/meltdown. The worst I have ever experienced or seen (of course, mine is the worst because I am living in that moment. When it’s someone else, I always say : I understand with a smile).

So once outside, I walk off to my truck and tell him I’m leaving “BYE”. He comes screaming and running towards me, and once we’re in the truck; he’s calm. See he actually does this quite often when we get in a busy public place; I’m noticing. I think the atmosphere and of course how I react about something causes such outbursts. I’m a mom in the study of what makes my child act this way, yes this is my soon to be 6-year-old. I tell him I am unhappy and sad that he has treated me that way, and that he felt he needed to act that way. I proceeded to tell him not listening to what is asked….he interrupts with “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again”, well we have heard that every time he does anything wrong. I told him, “I’m not talking to you until we get home”. A nice quite drive home.

I cried, I couldn’t help it: I’m overwhelmed with emotion of what, why, what should I do, etc. This kid controls my every step of my life, it’s all-consuming at times. I want to run away. I want to be “normal”, and I just want I back. (Tears of Honesty!) I’m saddened not because I didn’t get the bargain, but because I hate seeing him so out of control. I hate that I feel so stuck and alone. Never taking him anywhere is not an option, I don’t feel right dropping him off places to have him watched by someone all the time. I feel guilty if I do, and the mad at myself because I don’t. I home-school him too, so he’s with me every moment.

So when we got home, which I forewarned him, I took all (3) bins of toys out of his room. No movies, no going outside, no playing…just time to sit and think in his room. I’ve never done this exact thing before, so we’ll see. It’s been 30 mins since we been home and I just had to get it out. I had to write before I blew up. I want to scream and throw a fit too! Is that insanity because it sure feels like it.

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The Father figure………

 

Cover of The Last Song

 

is what most of us would call “Daddy”. First though, I must say that I have been four days thinking about this blog and just couldn’t get it written due to distractions, fear, and really ignoring the pain of it all. I was scared that I might find the wound to be more than the scar it had become. This all started by watching one of the best movies so far this year: “The Last Song“! Amazing! I know, I was skeptical too because it had Miley Cyrus in it, but it was shocking, tender, and humorous all in the same scene so many times. I definitely recommend it. This movie touched a open wound in me, a wound that I really have looked at several times throughout my life; but never tried to completely heal.  It’s like I sprayed “new skin” over the wound to cover it up, but never let it heal properly from the inside out.

This wound is called my biological father, a male figure that had a part in giving me life but had denied his part in it for many years. In short, my mom & this man were married for approximately six months. In that time frame, I was conceived. I never knew this man, and only met him at the age of 12 due to an urgent need to find out family history for an illness I had. So for the first 12 years of life, my family consisted of my mother and maternal grandparents. There was a picture of their wedding day that hung high above the staircase……though my mother had always wished it to be taken down. My grandmother always insisted that I know as much about my father as possible. All I knew is what he looked like, and their side of the stories.

I’m not sure when this wound truly came to be an actual wound, but I do know it has been festering up with a infection from the very pit of me for a very long time. I’ve always had a way to quick treat it with excuses, denial, forgiveness, and other men in my life. That statement alone could be a blog all by itself for another time. The quick treatments worked for awhile, but the subject kept being brought to my attention. Then one summer, summer of 2008, I realized that this very man was the beginning of my conception of men at a very early age and who I was going to be in life. A worthless accident!

Men are not to stick around, they don’t love their wives until death do us part, they are cheaters, they abuse, they don’t care about anything but themselves, they are to be given what they ask whenever they ask it, they are to be idolized, they are to be the boss of everything, you have no say, you don’t count, you are not worth them staying around for, you are not a princess, and there is no prince coming to sweep you off your feet. Your very father didn’t stay around to even see you, why in the world would any other man want you. You are worthless!

See it didn’t matter really what the stories I was told about him were; the only message I got was I wasn’t worth it! I didn’t care that they got divorced, but I did care to have that “Daddy” that so many girls look up to. I did care to have a man acknowledge that I was pretty and their princess; as all girls truly desire. I wanted to be wanted! Don’t we all?

I had a man that tried to take that place, and that was man was my grandpa. He did the best that he could, but no one can really fill that void of an abandoned father. He did do all those things that a “daddy” would do, but he wasn’t my dad and I knew it. I’m grateful to have had my grandpa so close to me, and to try and step in that place that I think he; himself felt he had failed with his own children. RIP, Grandpa Emerson……you were a man that taught me great things, and most of all loved me through it all!

At the age of 12, I met my father for the first time. I grew angry to find that he only lived about 30 minutes from me the entire time. You see, it’s a small world that I was born in because both of my parents are deaf. Deaf communities are very tight and closely knit……..so how was it I never was faced with this meeting much sooner; I don’t know. I was excited, but had a soreness about it all. I met his parents and my half brother soon after that.  I had a whole other family…….I thought for sure now that he could see I looked just like him; we would begin to build this late relationship. This relationship never got built. We seen each other a few times over the next couple of years, but no “daddy” was ever established. I have several times as an adult faced my father trying to get some type of “approval”, but always finding out in the end: I’m not worth it!

I ended up in life trying to have every man unconsciously fill those shoes; so in the end every relationship with men has failed. I had failed as a person, I was an accident and that is why I was abandoned and abused. WRONG!

I made one final attempt that summer of ’08 to mend the heart of a girl whom never grew out of the need for “daddy”……..only to find I have the most wonderful Father of all! He has always been there with me through every tear, laugh, test, boyfriend, car wreck, etc. I got to free my conscience of needing to please my biological father, to gain his approval, to be his princess, to be what he wanted me to be, and to have his unconditional love. My true “Daddy” blows all daddies away………..no matter what I do, He loves me and only asks that I love Him back.  Love in exchange is the only condition in this relationship. I have through my life treated Him just as I felt I had be treated…………I’ve abandoned Him, cussed Him, used Him, lied to Him, abused Him, think of Him only when I gain from it, etc. He forgives me and loves me like the Queen of all the court. Thank you Daddy for being there even though I didn’t know it, ignored it, or denied it. Thank you for allowing the wound to fester up and come to a head, so I could figure out what was Truth, Life, and Love!

So after the movie, I looked in the mirror and cried due to the sadness of it all; but you see that is not what this very movie is even about; I won’t tell the story so it’s not ruined for others. The movie only reminded me of that very open wound that I had for so long…..it reminded me of a time when I had to please men; however, whenever, wherever, so that I could prove to myself that I was worthy! I’m sad because how many girls are living life today “without a daddy”……….but are truly a beautiful Princess that they have disguised through the actions and words of the “not real” men in their lives to be true.

If you believe you’re not a princess……..you are very wrong! You were made in His image, so you are of the Royal Court; and you are loved like no one else! You are His most prize possession. He will not push the relationship on you, but gladly runs to you only if you desire Him……..He’s right there, now. You didn’t read this post by accident; accidents don’t happen…….I thought I was one; I am not and neither are you! You are worth it, you are everything, you are beautiful, and you have a Daddy! Free your conscience of the guilt, anger, and lies so you can love like you have never loved before! It so fun to live life and love everyone with no conditions!

My Father figure is a heavenly man that only some have heard of through stories……….He is the Ultimate Daddy; and I share!

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