A new tumor…

a brain glioma and the growth of a plexiform neurofibroma causes us to have a new journey through chemo. Koda’s status; sign his guestbook.

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His Meltdown and my insanity

I must be insane because I didn’t just totally beat him to a pulp; though the thought I must honestly share crossed my mind. I should have seen the red flags this morning as I knew before I walked out the door with him that the email said the sale was over by 9am, but in reality it was 9pm. So, that in itself was the reason I went. You know a 50% off everything when it’s already a clearance store is a “BARGAIN”. Well, the other red flag was I had just given him the beginning daily dose of meds that takes some time to work. But, see if I didn’t get there as early as possible; all the good stuff would be gone. A Bargain is just what I got after being in the store only 5 mins.

I saved more money today than ever besides the wasted gas altogether: A real bargain! I didn’t spank, and didn’t hurt him in any way. I did however make him get in the cart until I got him to the front of this totally every isle packed store; though everyone could hear him clear to the front as I was trying to make my way there. Jumping, jerking, pulling, kicking, pushing, yelling, crying, NO, NO, NO! I didn’t say a word, and then one lady asked how do you not break the temptation to slap him? Really, did you just ask me that? Apparently you have never had a child with any type of developmental or behavioral disorders (don’t all children without such problems throw such a fit once in a while?). Is this an excuse for him, NO, but there is a time and a place for such; and slapping isn’t it. If I were to have slapped him, we would have had a much more scene to write about; which would have included the security or cops.

What was best for him and myself, was more than just a time out in the vehicle this time. It was leave and go home. I put up the movies we had picked out for him; which made the meltdown worse. As soon as I got him out of the cart, (first time ever) he ran off to the back of the store (where the toys were located). I picked him up and carried him out; wow, he’s getting too big for that. Quite the fight I must say keeping ahold of him. As soon as I get him out the door, he falls to the ground with a complete fit/meltdown. The worst I have ever experienced or seen (of course, mine is the worst because I am living in that moment. When it’s someone else, I always say : I understand with a smile).

So once outside, I walk off to my truck and tell him I’m leaving “BYE”. He comes screaming and running towards me, and once we’re in the truck; he’s calm. See he actually does this quite often when we get in a busy public place; I’m noticing. I think the atmosphere and of course how I react about something causes such outbursts. I’m a mom in the study of what makes my child act this way, yes this is my soon to be 6-year-old. I tell him I am unhappy and sad that he has treated me that way, and that he felt he needed to act that way. I proceeded to tell him not listening to what is asked….he interrupts with “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again”, well we have heard that every time he does anything wrong. I told him, “I’m not talking to you until we get home”. A nice quite drive home.

I cried, I couldn’t help it: I’m overwhelmed with emotion of what, why, what should I do, etc. This kid controls my every step of my life, it’s all-consuming at times. I want to run away. I want to be “normal”, and I just want I back. (Tears of Honesty!) I’m saddened not because I didn’t get the bargain, but because I hate seeing him so out of control. I hate that I feel so stuck and alone. Never taking him anywhere is not an option, I don’t feel right dropping him off places to have him watched by someone all the time. I feel guilty if I do, and the mad at myself because I don’t. I home-school him too, so he’s with me every moment.

So when we got home, which I forewarned him, I took all (3) bins of toys out of his room. No movies, no going outside, no playing…just time to sit and think in his room. I’ve never done this exact thing before, so we’ll see. It’s been 30 mins since we been home and I just had to get it out. I had to write before I blew up. I want to scream and throw a fit too! Is that insanity because it sure feels like it.

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