A new tumor…

a brain glioma and the growth of a plexiform neurofibroma causes us to have a new journey through chemo. Koda’s status; sign his guestbook.

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Can it get any worse for me…

is what I use to say as I have looked homelessness in the face, I have been in a place of my life when I didn’t have a bed, I have known a lot of people and never had a “friend”, I have been in the pits of darkness, loss, and despair. I have been by the bedside of my loved ones whom took their last breath, I have been forced to do things I would have never chose on my own, I had to grow up fatherless, I have children with medical/health/development/behavioral issues, I have lost my mother at a young age, I have been through a divorce, I have done and seen way more than I would ever ask anyone to even image. But because of these things; I can say “I understand” when there is another one in that place, I can comfort with words of experience, I can encourage when there is no hope, I can just listen when they need to tell someone, I can embrace when they need to cry. There’s healing in relationships of being known. I’ve healed because God has so gracely placed such people in my life. For this I am so eternally grateful.

…for the little things, but some of the most important things; a roof, a bed, blankets, and the things money can’t buy; like true friendship when you need a bed…they bring you one. I’ve got to experience that a lot lately. More than I want really but am so thankful. Through people being the hands and feet of Jesus I have a desire to know Him better. It’s because of Him that we have anything good. I have gifted, energetic, creative, and amazing children, I have a simple home with all the love in the world, I have Jesus in my heart, and I have a husband who loves me, provides to the uttermost, and just plain likes me. I have a Heavenly Father, I’m no longer in a pit of despair, I have a mother awaiting me in Heaven, I chose to do things now that make a difference in the world, I see things in a different view, I walk hand to heart with people into the unimaginable, I help deliver backpacks of food for children in need, I have a lot of friends, I can sit and be quiet when I really want to shout, I can help comfort the dying to a place they really want to go, I see the light daily, and I’m thankful that He has made it so clear through the windows of our eyes if we’ll just open them and take off the glasses of lies. We are without excuse the Bible tells us…

“For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.”
Romans 1:19-21

Thankful…for my vision, health, limbs, ability to move, speak, hear, and most of all live in the freedom to express my love for Jesus; and all He has done for me! Are you thankful?

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Transitions can take a toll…

on a family. It seems we’re becoming the professionals of transition though. I used to say people with this much change must be asking or in need of drama. LOL! Drama, there’s none of it going on here…well, until you think about all of it at once then the anxiety attack comes. I swear I’ve never even had an anxiety attack or know what one feels like. Maybe my life has always been one so I don’t know the difference. Ohhh wait, I think it might be peri-menopause…oh no, it’s not that; too young!! ;D

Can I just say that I’m going crazy, but at the same time have a peace that I can’t understand; yep that’s the signs of INSANITY!! Confused! Ok so, within one week we have (remembering we only have one vehicle for 4 of us needing to be places) a change of work hours for the hubby, the boy is transitioning into public school two hours daily, the teenager still needs to go to work, clubs, volunteer, and then have surgery on the 9th, and finds out she’s got other medical issues that needs attention along with me.

Well me, that’s one place we won’t go because remember I’m confused and have no idea whether I’m having hot flashes or just ticked off; I’m at peace or in denial, I’m coming or going. Life is good, but transitions can take you to a side of life that challenges the mind, body, and spirit. I am alive! Pinching, to double check. Yep, it hurts!!

The biggest transition is myself really trying to get transformed to whom I was designed to be. I have been told for a long time that “hurt people always hurt people”. We all have been hurt by someone or some event in our lives and it does seem that we end up hurting the ones we love the most when we are hurting. I’ve done a lot of reading lately, and who we “are” really determines how we act “show ourselves to be” towards others.

I’m transitioning into becoming on purpose a person that no longer hurts people just because I am hurt, but to be there & do for despite the hurt. To hurt along with, beside, hold, and love the people that have hurt me, to be a friend, ear, shoulder, a place of trust when there seems like there is no one or nothing else to turn to. Transitioning me helps transition healing to others one person at a time. During this transition of myself, I am whom I am and who I was made to be but I have to tap into what that looks like and feels like, then act on it. I have to say that can make one tired…ohh but I have a remedy for that; this stuff (not telling right now) is fabulous. I can’t even take a nap because it won’t let me. 🙂

So with the transitions that I can just jot down they include: raised by grandparents and a gay parent, a father that disowned me, being sexually abused, giving birth to 3 children of which 1 is medically complex, 2 marriages, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and physical abuse, mood swings of the normal woman, different jobs (searching for where I’m suppose to be), renting to owning back to renting our homes, health issues of my own, enabling/enabler, going back to school, independent /co-dependency, death of loved ones with each pregnancy, watching dementia shadow the person who knew it all…..the list goes on and on like anyone else’s life. It’s no different, I’m no different, transitions happen and they continue to happen…it can take a toll only if you let it. I choose to make it abundant, vibrant, joyful, and share it so I don’t have to keep it. Transitions are steps in life to make us stronger, wiser, and most of all to give us the experience to be the good Samaritan.

Embracing, Educating, Energizing, and Enthusiastically Encouraging for all to be alive and actively involved in others! Bring on transition…excited to see what’s next ;oP

No weapon formed against me shall prosper: Isaiah 54:17.

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As the lights go out there’s still: The Evergreen…

it is a reminder of daylight savings time. Coming this weekend we will be turning our clocks back one hour (spring forward, fall back). I must say this particular event is not my favorite as it heads me into a sense of sadness. I’ve always fell prey to the darkness that seems to take over our days. It’s really a twisted argument and engagement all at the same time.

I love this season; the colors, remembrance of  gratitude or thanksgiving, the crisp air that blows the most detailed and beautiful leaves, the picture perfect photography that is birthed in this season, etc. There is football and still some NASCAR all at the same time 🙂 Yay! Then there is BUT………it means heading into winter; the time to celebrate the birth of our Lord, crystallized snowflakes, no school days, all those things at one time in my life I was okay with.I still love all those times/things…….but the darkness seems to take me to a place that I tend to lose control of how I function. I lose a sense of: passion to awake in the morning, motivation to laugh/smile for no reason at all, endurance to do my daily activities, control to crawl out of the hole I seem to have fallen in. I don’t know why this happens nor when it started really. I just know it’s almost that time………and I’m feeling the grave cold of it all.

Depression is a word many would place here……or at least seasonal. It’s a dormant time, a time maybe for growth, listening & not talking, healing…..I don’t know….I’m not sure, but I do know that I always come out eventually. Can I stop from going there this year? Will my new hope for a healthier me (due to surgery), give me all that I need to face this yearly giant that visits me? I sure pray so! It all reminds me of the tree…….the tree has been a very significant symbol throughout my life.

Spring…….the rain gives life to the new forming flowering buds in their youth. Tulips, lawnmowers, fertilizing, and a new sense of energy. The days get brighter as the sun is allowed to be in our presence more hours a day. The tree……new life of green babies exploding daily.

Summer…….the sun is warming our faces, fresh garden vegetables, family vacations, sun-made ice tea/lemonade, blooms of every color and shape surrounds us, ice-cream, baseball games, drive-in movies, romance and play dates in the park. The tree……a strong covering of shade in the heat of the day, vibrant and beautiful shades of green make the most beautiful sound as God breathes.

Autumn……the days of sunlight shorten, there is a crispness in the air, pumpkins, and goblin celebrations, candy, second quarter of school, time to think about Thanksgiving dinner, rakes, and double-check of water hoses, shut off valves, winterizing, etc. The tree…….the most mature upright mix of color (reminds me of all the human races that surround me daily) makes me get on my knees with true thanksgiving for God to allow us to just get a hint of his perfect tapestry.

Winter…….winter break, Christmas presents, sledding, parties, decorated trees, snowflakes, houses all lit up, pies, family gatherings and football games, the dropping of the New York City ball and countdown to the new year, but so many expectations and commercialized chaos. The tree…….shedding the last of the leaves to become dormant, gray, and seemingly lifeless. It is not so pretty on the outside, but I see its beauty from within as it quietly rejuvenated itself for the next season of duty.

I think I have to choose a different tree for a different season……..The Evergreen; it is beautiful with colors when strung with lights, deep green all year round, and has  protective pines that can withstand anything. They stand tall, and with wisdom their bark speaks.

The tree is my vision of how my life truly is; it has its seasons, duties, and most of all strong during the storm! 🙂

I pray much peace and happiness to the souls of my friends and family during this holiday season!

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